'We like to think we spend our time preparing to live. In reality, we are preparing to die.'

at least that statement is true for me, seriously. after having five years of hellish nightmare, i've finally got tired of living in a world filled with misunderstanding. there's no fight in me anymore. for the past five years, i've been bargaining (you know... setting a self-imposed deadline until i still want to live) and 've been painstinkingly seraching for reasons for my existence, and time passes however, it becomes more apparent that the sole reason for my presense here is to be riduled by others, and i was, in fact, been constantly seraching for reasons for my departure, and preparing myself for the final act. i do not feel i belong, and i will never fit in, cos i can't follow the mainstream.

trying to make a difference to my live, and resorting to internet for temporary souce of comfort, i realised i will never be the same as you, and will be rejected forever. if social isolation and hositilty is the main element of my school life, imagine what i have to go through the moment i graduate and step into society. i'm a faliure. and that's somehting i cannot change, no matter what i do.

a big thank you, to those who were being supportive thoughout my ordeal. and a big fuck you to those who make my life more miserable.

initally, my attitude towards life were mixed: there're both happy and sad moments during my quest for recoginition and success in shcool life. but as the truth reveals itself, it becomes crystal clear that sadness and sorrow is a major part of my life which i cannot escape from, and never again i will experinece a real sense of joy. looking back at those 'fantasies' and setting up unrealistic goals is just another pathetic attempt at creating false hopes.

i'm not trying to justify my departure, cos my decision can never be rationalised. everyone has different feelings towards life, and we tend to have different values. some treasure academic and future success more than any other aspects of life, but to me, i place happinness above anyhting else. i have reached a non-reutrnable dead-end, and have been a burden to my famliy. instead of continuing to go into a downward spirial and continue to press on with my journey aimlessly, i've decieded to choose the lesser evil and... put it to ana end.

by using internet as a main channel to express my feelings., i hope to get my thoughts across the community, saying farewell to you all.

resting in peace.

(i am so going to hell)

a definition of the word "repetitive":

i like repetitiveness, and whenever i feel the need to be reptitive, i always repeat and repeat so that others'll listen to what i'm repeating. but after studying the pros and cons of such repetitive habits repeatedly, i learnt that some people would be annoyed reapetedly because they dislike "repeativeness', and they always question the need for being repetitve. in order to examine the reasons for such repetitve reactions, i ask them repetiedly why they had such repetitve reactions. in order to show me how annoying it is to be reptitve, they repeat their answer to the question repeatedly and said repeatedly "it's because if a person is being repetitve in a conversation, the conversation will be 5 times as long. i don't have time for this shit".

i suggest you read the passage repeatedly so that you don't forget the meaning of "repetitveness"

(another random piece of writing i pulled out from my ass. )

Dear Editor,

   I'm writing to you to express my views on whether it is more important to be beautiful or handsome than clever.

   It's suggested that having an attractive appearance is more desirable than being clever, however, I strongly disagree with this statement for the following reasons.

  Firstly, there is no correlation between beauty and success in life. Although one can leave a good impression on others by having an attractive appearance, it does not account for you job performance and other academic areas. If one does not have the capability to meet his company's productive demands, he will still not be admired by his employer no matter how handsome he is, and he will be seen as a burden to the company beacuse he isn't doing his job well.From this argument, it is easy to come to the conclusion that pursing beauty only serves as a superficial approach to gaining acceptance from people, of which will have adverse effect on one's reputation if an individual places too much emphasis on it, and such impractical method does not have a long lasting effect. Therefore, it is more important to be clever than beautiful beacuse it's what inside you that really counts.

  Secondly, cleverness can save you from all sorts of dangers while beauty cannot. In modern-day society, there are many occasions where teenagers are being taken advantage on by others as a direct result of their ignorance. For example, many illegal companies nowadays target on teenagers with attractive looks and those teenagers are lured into thier 'bussiness' in a prospect for job as models.Those parties use their personal information to perform illegal activities and they usually disappear without a trace As a result, those theenagers become victims of passion. However, this can be prevented if they are clever enough to uncover their conspiracy. In this way, they can refrain from exposing themselves to dangers and avoid falling into the traps.

   Furthermore, more job opportunities will e available if a person is clever In today's society, as people graduate from schools or training institutes and start to join the workforce, theyface harsh competition from more experineced jobholder working in the same field. This is also true for pop singers and actors. Even though those pop stars have attractive appearance, they can still not be able to reach the pinnacle of their careers if they can't employ different strategies to impress their audience and to outsmart the rest. Undeniably, many actors managed to become an instant fame beacuse they know how to choose their target audience and their success have little to do with their appearnce. Hence, being beautiful is not an important factor for success in careers.

From the above reasons, I believe that being clever is more important than being handsome as cleverness offeres more benefit in our futer lives than beauty alone. Thank you for your kind attention.

Yours faithfully

Chris Wong

how pathetic... i remember there's an old saying that "if one cannot go with the main stream of culture, he will live a miserable life". *sigh*

http://www.iqtest.com/report.html?uid=65646d756e6473656532303031686b407961686f6f2e636f6d2e686b-176-1191649492&score=true

click here for a quick scare.

lol. i am a genius. (in the 99th percentile as compared to other test teakers).

EDIT: ratings' been set to basic guidance. funny.

school's about the begin. most of you have been working your ass off during the summer vacation, but i'm sure that some of you are upset because you got a less -than-satisfcatory results in exams, and you might ask yourself' what did i do that for? (excellent results, or was it for something else)'. i hope that by reading the follwing stories, i'd be able to stimulate your thoughts and help you arrvive at your answer to that question.

as day breaks, a falcon (=you?) emerges from the dark. he flapped his injured wings with diffculty, and struggled to gain altitude as he soar across the unknown territory. his distintitive cries echos throughout the jungle, and can be easily heard over a wide span across  the abyss, occasionaly puntuated with a strong sense of anticipation. his pair of bright eyes reflects off sun light, making him noticiable under the azure sky. he despecrately seraches through miles of jungle, but he isn't looking for an easy target to prey on. the wounded falcon spots a mountain stream which leads to a tributary, and by instict he follows the general direction of the river current, believing that he would see his partner again. (=being studious/diligent in stuides)

lots of painful memory flashes by as he pushes on with his journey. he tries to piece them together to make sense of it all.

weeks ago, the falcon was shot down by a hunter when he was out hunting for food. his wings were badly injuried and he couldn't control his descent. the falcon wound up hanging helplessly from a tree. by sheer coincidence, another speices of his kind spotted him in time and has decided to come to the rescue. she treated his injuries with traditional herbs and manged to build a shelter where she would take care of him. now, the injuried falcon makes a full recovery, and suddenly discovers that she is not with him anymore. motivated by joy and thankfulness, he decided to make use of his acute senses to try to locate her at all cost, {hoping that he could do something for her in return.}(=getting impressive scores in exams)

but after days of seraching, his effort was proven fruitless. when he is about to quit, a voice told him to keep looking. he finally died of exhastion. (=hard work desn't pay off)

later that night, the exact falcon who has saved his life ealier came across with his dead body. she gazed at the body intently, then bends down and whispers in a gentle voice, "yes, i understand". and that falcon stayed with his body for the rest of the night, feeling assured and thankful for what he'd done. she has never felt so grateful before in her life, because she knew that there was someone who really cared for her. {instead of simply giving her a helping hand(=purely aiming for academic achievments), deep inside his heart, that was the exact thing he'd been longing for}.- to earn her love (=running sa/builind up self-confidence and leadership skills in prepartion for future challenges, as well as making new friends...  *sigh*). of which he failed to realise.

as time passes, traces of sunlight shone across them, creating the most romantic scene ever captured in the jungle.

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jack is a brave soildier, serving selflessly for his country. he is willing to put his own life to jeopardy, and his determintion keeps growing stronger as enemies fall before him. he's taken part in numerous battles, and has contributed most to his country. jack sliced his way through the bloodshed as if his country depends solely on him. but because of his low rank in the army, people around him all attribute the success to the general, whose only job was to give out orders. despite the setback, jack remained a loyal servant to the emperor, and has no intentions to make himself stand out amongst the army.

then he ran out of luck. in a battle against a superpower, his rivals have proven too strong for him to tackle. and he was captured by his enemies and was sentenced to death. by that time, his bravery was long forgotten. and his tragic story was never told again by anyone, at least by the emperor.

on the day of execution, jack received a secret message (which is a word of encouragement) from an anomyus person. he looked at the letter for a while, then smiled as tears ran down from his face. he's never been this cheerful before, for he knew that responsibity weighed much more than the final outcome.

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after spending years studying in a training institute, chan's finally been qulified to teach in a famouns college. however, his very presence is not well received by his students, and they always play tricks on him. and he had a hard time dealing with them. but chan continues to fulfil his duty as a teacher. he worked very hard, hoping that his students would excel in their studies.

and his hard work didn't really pay off. this year more than half the class failed 'that subject'. but surprisingly though, on the day when ce results have been relased, he receieved a cup from one of his students as a present. 'thank you for working selflessly to get us prepared for the open exam.' he said. 'although it didn't work out as you've expected, we feel that we should give tribute to you, my dear teacher'.

and he is glad that all his dedication was finally admired by someone who really cares, and suddenly realised that there was nothing he should be ashamed of because he had completed his job as a teacher, everything's just happened at the wrong place, and at the wrong time.

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and what does these stories tell us? (to be contiuned)